The Mind Of A Great Procrastinator

2010-10-19T00:12:00.000+08:00

So, love's coming back in about 8 weeks.

Am I excited?

If I'm not, it means I don't love him anymore.

But because I still do and I always will, I AM FUCKING EXCITED.

Hahaha.

I still miss him a lot, mostly because I miss him warmth.

And right about now, when school gets a lil' too crazy for me to handle, he'll always be around to give me that extra strength.

But I guess, I am doing fine.

We talk often enough to keep my spirits up, especially when it comes to school.

And when I truly miss him, that's when web-chat always comes in useful.

Whatever it is, I'm patiently waiting for him to return to Singapore.

Knowing that it's not too far away keeps me on a positive attitude.

8 more weeks, 8 more weeks, 8 more weeks. And I will keep chanting that to myself for tonight.

I love you love. I miss you dearly.

and because we're gonna make this work.

2010-09-23T19:59:00.000+08:00

And so this place hasn't been updated on a regular basis because I've got a diary where I let my emotions flow.

One that I promise the boy he'll be able to read every single entry when he's back.

Up til' recently, I haven't been coping well honestly.

Broke-down at least once every week.

But these past 2 weeks have been much better.

Maybe because I counted the weeks, and the boy's return is getting nearer and nearer.

And I keep telling myself I'll get through this, no matter what.

Because I believe.

The boy's doing fine.

Coping a lil' better than I am, but I know he misses me as much as I do him.

We try to chat and keep in contact as often as we could.

Even when he traveled to Denmark and Amsterdam to meet his friends.

And that has kept me sane indeed.

Getting by was definitely easier, and it kept as close despite the distance.

I love you boy. I miss you dearly.

Take care of yourself. :)

when distance shouldn't really matter.

2010-07-20T00:56:00.005+08:00

and they say never give too much of yourself for you'll never get back the same.

2010-07-17T00:32:00.000+08:00

This space's would definitely be updated more often when the boy leaves.

For I feel it's the only place I can truly express myself - along with my personal diary.

and i'm supposed to be strong. that's what everyone says.

2010-04-25T00:33:00.000+08:00

A little of this. A little of that.

Going insane.

Just waiting for it to all end.

The worse so far, but what can I do?

Suck it in and just go forward.

not as planned, but i guess i'm fine with it.

2010-03-06T23:43:00.000+08:00

The day was really tiring.

My little cousin always keeps me on my toes.

And the weather isn't helping.

The little girl is one hyper human-being,

But it did end off on a relaxing note.

A bubble bath really lightens the load.

At least for awhile.

Fully submerged, it was just me and the water.

It felt so peaceful, and seemed like forever that I was there alone.

Haven't felt that relaxed in a really long time.

i might be gone one day, but my heart is always with you.

2010-02-08T00:39:00.001+08:00

I don't know what is this feeling I'm feeling.

It tugs at my heart so much, it kind of hurts.

I think sometimes it's difficult even for myself to figure me out.

I'm looking forward to that recess week.

The thought of doing school work during that weak doesn't sound so appealing, but a break is definitely what I need.

And to think it's only the 5th week coming.

to a point i feel like running away.

2010-01-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

2009 was bumpy.

Many beautiful moments and various heart-wrenching ones.

I regret nothing though.

It has been an eventful year; one that showed me painful truths in life but still showered me with the beauty of it.

Entering 2010, it doesn't feel that much of a difference.

Maybe because the hype that was build up for that one day all ended too quickly.

However, the celebration into the new year was the best one yet.

Quiet yet beautiful; nothing else matters when I'm with you.

It was just you and me.

As I woke up this morning, I lied in bed thinking how 2010 would be.

I'm positive I'll get through anything, no matter how hard it gets.

But there's that one thing that keeps tugging at my heart.

I don't know. I really don't.

I try as I might to not go into that state of mind.

But it is a fact that each passing day means the day comes closer.

All aside, let's all welcome 2010 with open arms.

Store memories of the past year in a sacred place where only you can relive those moments.

Smile a little more this year, maybe things aren't that bad.

refusing to think about it, knowing how bad i'll miss you.

2009-12-14T21:30:00.000+08:00

When one wave dies down, another one would come along.

Just when I thought everything's calm, the world comes rocking again.

I'm taking one day at a time.

Each night leaves me tearing but it's tears for those I love so dearly, and I'm not afraid to let it all out.

who doesn't cry when it's something sad?

2009-12-13T02:40:00.001+08:00

The news probably came in as a shock to me.

Tears flowed right that instant.

I could say no, for reasons so selfish.

But I don't wish to be that selfish person, who puts herself first before others. Although at times I believe I should do just that.

But this situation is not one that summons such a behavior.

EVERYONE encourages you to go.

I don't wish to be that one factor that holds you back.

Go experience, go venture and go have fun.

I want that for you.

I'll be here, in Singapore, waiting for your return.

*Baby, time and space may pull us apart.
But what's in our heart that will keep us together.
I would cry everyday just to show how much I miss you.
I would put up a strong front to put your mind at ease.
Because Baby, I love you that much.*

no matter how much i cry, i know i'll get through it all.

2009-12-09T00:30:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling very much relieved.

My mind's put at ease.

Nothing's too sure, so I'm keeping an eye on things and hope things remain all well.

At the end of the day, I'm just glad everything's fine.

mom, i love you.

2009-12-04T12:42:00.001+08:00

Exams are over.

But all of life's troubles are just starting.

And I'm finally accepting reality.

I miss you boy.

I really do.

i'll get through it all.

2009-11-26T19:50:00.001+08:00

I'm taking a short break from studying.

It's driving me insane.

The house was real quiet when I woke up this morning, and I decided to ponder on some things while looking out of the window at the clear blue sky.

I've been trying to run away; from that one thing that keeps me awake on some nights.

I refuse to face the fact; knowing that some day, sooner or later it will happen.

Cold dark nights are the worse and that's when I try to keep myself really occupied, to the point I feel so tired I would be gone the moment my head hits the pillow.

I'm just afraid. Afraid to know the truth. Afraid to know what will happen.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was pondering the things I like against the things I love.

And sometimes it's really difficult to differentiate them.

One day (soon enough), I'll learn of the difference and list it all here.

But one thing for sure, I LOVE YOU.

a quick blink into the future; and i saw a rainbow.

2009-10-15T19:05:00.001+08:00

My heart feels heavy.

I feel something missing.

The constant happenings leave me wishing for a better us.

I don't want to lose hope.

2009-09-28T02:30:00.002+08:00

The one week break wasn't a break to begin with, and tomorrow is already the start of a new school week.

That really sucks.

I was just about getting used to having fun when reality kicks in.

Apart from Hari Raya preparations and the actual celebrations, so much has been happening for the past 2 weeks.

The thought of losing someone and actually losing someone is something hard to accept.

But as we all proceed with life, it is something we have to come to terms with.

It's something that's not within our control.

Back to the books.

Midterms are no fun.

School takes away some of the more important things in life, like sleep.

But late night studying is made bearable with love doing the same.

don't cry when i leave, smile that i was a part of your life.

2009-09-19T01:41:00.000+08:00

I want to blog; I really do.

But I'm emotionally, mentally and physically drained to put my thoughts in words right now.

Good night world.

across the sea, that's where i know you still are safe.

2009-09-13T02:13:00.003+08:00

Was on my way home alone in the bus a couple of days back when my thoughts decide to go for a run.

What truly motivates me to move ahead in life?

What really pushes me to explore a world that is unknown?

What absolutely inspires me to stay strong despite the obstacles in life?

Personally, I have goals to achieve.

Big dreams to take hold of.

Call it self-esteem or self-actualization if you may.

I know I'm better than I give credit to myself sometimes.

At times, self-doubt is important to allow one to take a back-seat and critically analyse the situation.

Nothing's ever to late; that I strongly believe.

Choosing the right time; that's essential.

For I believe, in the near or far future I'll be more than who I am today.

Sometimes, it's more than just WHAT.

Sometimes, it's the WHO.

I've been through life with people who believe in me; who truly wants to see me prosper one day.

My family.

The ones who taught me to walk.

The ones who taught me to cry.

And the ones who mold me to who I am.

My friends.

The ones who saw me grow.

The ones who saw me succeed.

And the ones who never fail to lend a helping hand.

And a special friend who's gone through the most with me; my Bestie.

Last but definitely the most important; my Special Someone.

The one who gives me strength.

The one who believes in me.

The one who stays by me.

And the one who loves me.

Individuals play an important role in everyone's life.

They might be around now, and gone the next.

But it's their contribution to our lives that's most important.

Something to take away from this, Never Give Up.

Life has presents waiting to be opened.

what's not yours is for you to take.

2009-09-11T02:18:00.001+08:00

silly arguments and little disagreements.

we get out of them stronger than before.

at the end of the day, we always work things out.

that's what you and me is about.

i'm not leaving. not now, not ever.

2009-09-08T00:49:00.002+08:00

This was what you missed out just now.

"I don't want to do anything that's gonna hurt us."

Those tears I had was because I was so afraid of the thought of me making that grave mistake in the future.

I'm afraid of losing you; ever.

It was hard standing on my two feet again.

And you did just that.

I don't ever want to fall again.

it takes time.

2009-08-19T01:25:00.000+08:00

Life's back to chaos.

and you promised that nothing will stand in our way.

2009-08-08T23:52:00.001+08:00

The weekend isn't good to start with.

And my special one is having some problems.

I wish I could wish all those problems away from him.

I will always miss you.

there'll always be somebody in a situation far worst than me.

2009-06-08T23:24:00.000+08:00

maybe, maybe.

when it doesn't seem to make much of a difference.

2009-06-08T01:38:00.000+08:00

When my tears flow silently, it's tears of pain.
Too painful emotionally to even break a sound.
When the tears are finally gone, know for a fact that the fresh face is just a facade.
Because it takes awhile for the pain to disappear.

if feeling suffocated, look at the bigger picture.

2009-06-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

Don't tell me nothing, when I know there is something.
It comes as a natural feeling.
And when I do wish to push it, it comes along with a fear of of probing further; afraid that things would become worse.

I should watch what I say and do.

A pair of eyes staring gently at me while smiling.
I turn to smile; only to realize I got all shy.
:)

right about now, i apologize.

2009-06-06T01:14:00.000+08:00

It's right there to be taken, but it never seems to be close enough to be held.
And sometimes it leaves me so weak inside, I tremble and feel like crying.

I really wish money isn't something we need to live in this world; chasing for it each and every day.
So that I could spend more time with those I love.
I wish I had the courage to say but I keep telling myself I can't be selfish.
Situations differ and I need to understand that.
I just really wish things were different.

The short precious moments I treasure, while the long memorable ones I preserve.
For one important reason I stay strong; because I know it comes back to me every single day.

sometimes when you love something, you want to be surrounded by it.

2009-06-04T12:55:00.000+08:00

It's the 4th of June.
Time passes by faster than most of us would like it to.
It comes to a point that some of us, like me, refuses to know the time of day just so we could enjoy moments a little better without worrying about the end of the day.

I counted the days and I'm 7 days shy of turning 21.
It's been a good year so far; maybe turning 21 isn't such a bad thing afterall.
Possibly better things to come.
Bottomline, I need to embrace turning 21 and look at it with a little more positivity.

Right about now I'm groaning.
*fizah groans wildly*

PCD is in town and I won't be catching them live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
I'll be home whining about it later tonight while they'll be at the Indoor Stadium telling me to "hush hush hush hush"
DAMN.

let the wind blow, like there's no tomorrow.

2009-05-30T22:02:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER!!!

Hours, minutes and finally seconds.
A burst of emotions when I saw a familiar face.
One I yearn to see.

A simple day turns marvelous when spend with the right company. :)

Why why why?
My hopes of going for a getaway are dashed.
Damn the school.

the day has finally arrived.

2009-05-27T19:55:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

You're off in another country on your special day and I hope you're having a blast.
Monday's celebration has been good.
A double celebration yes?

Mine's next. :)

birthdays bring life to life itself.

2009-05-26T16:05:00.000+08:00

Why am I feeling the way I do?
I've never had such overwhelming feelings before, and I won't deny that it's all positive.

Questions were thrown my way and I'm dumbfounded at times.
This time it's different, this time it's real.

I need to keep my mind occupied, while I try to get by the days.

i need to contain the tears.

2009-05-12T13:44:00.000+08:00

SCHOOL'S OUT!!
The long awaited break.

I just realized that the GSS is approaching, but an empty pocket just doesn't rhyme with GSS.
I'm depressed.

I need a vacation. I need a vacation. I need a vacation.

when saying "i miss you" is not enough.

2009-04-12T00:52:00.000+08:00

I sense a little change.
I'm hoping it's all my imagination.
And that it's just the timing.

when i eventually do.

2009-03-15T20:10:00.001+08:00

I'm in fucking deep shit.
Digging my own grave, as someone puts it.

when things get out of hand.

2009-02-16T19:50:00.000+08:00

Don't make things more complicated as it already is.

When the phone beeped, I smiled seeing who it was from.
And knowing that you still care.
And I tell myself, thinking about you is enough for now.

things will eventually fall into place.

2009-02-02T19:45:00.001+08:00

2/2 - 2.

The number 2 couldn't be made luckier for me.
It's been a good day.

Looking forward to even more good news, happy times and lots of smiles and laughters.
With a sprinkle of love each time.

it was all worth the time and energy.

2009-01-28T23:45:00.001+08:00

How dumb am I to let someone make me feel so small in this gigantic planet?
Criticism with an added hint of sarcasm; yet I still took it all in.
And I was too fucking nice to still say 'Thank you' without raising my voice one bit.
On the inside, I was deeply hurt.
If it wasn't for poise and integrity, I would have loved to scream right back.

Dammit Fizah, stand up for yourself!

when a ball hits you, throw it right back.

2009-01-25T01:10:00.001+08:00

I still can't get my mind working on what to say.

Let me do a little Besties update while I try to regain my brain consciousness.

Last minute changes led to a lovely night sometime last week.
A long walk back home from town.
Empty streets, crazy laughs, random conversations, beautiful company.
And we ended up with sore legs.

And today, we had our favorites.
Sushi, shopping and ice-cream.
Satisfying dinner, splurges and soothing tunes.
It all ended on a good note.

the nights are filled with smiles.

2009-01-24T02:04:00.001+08:00

I want to blog. I want to blog. I want to blog.
I'm having a mind block.

Suddenly, I don't know what to say.
I forgot what I wanted to relate.

Looking at the time right about now, I believe that's the reason.
When you wake up at 8 in the morning and only about to head to bed at about 2 in the morning, being forgetful/mentally challenged/lethargic is inevitable.

Since I can't express myself well right now, I think it's best for me to call it a day and head to my favorite place at home.
Tomorrow's gonna be another long day.

sprinkle some wish dust.

2009-01-23T01:34:00.000+08:00

There's updates to be done and I've got quite a lot on my mind.
Hopefully, I'll be able to do so over the long Chinese New Year weekend.

School has been taking up much of my time.
And definitely much of my energy.

I need energy boosters.

don't get lost in the woods. look for the path of truth.

Wonder Words

2009-01-12T12:59:00.002+08:00

Always a good conversation.
Always the right things said to put a smile on my face.
Always the sweetest things said to make me feel a little special.

some people are just better with words.

2009-01-10T01:44:00.000+08:00

Good dinner talk.
Tiring but fulfilling shopping race.
Mouth-watering dessert and chocolate drink at Max Brenner.
Crazy photo-taking.

I'm a happy girl; just look at that smile.

it's been awhile, it's here to stay.

2009-01-09T00:42:00.002+08:00

At a time like this,

I MISS YOU.

Bad.
=(

i'm gonna take some time to sleep tonight.

2009-01-08T22:52:00.000+08:00

My bestfriend and I had a talk while we were out last night.
It really does feel much better letting it all out, especially to someone so dear to me.
I tried so hard to hold back the tears; I believe I did.

I had a recent talk with myself.
I came to a conclusion.

Life is a game.
Some of us win, while others lose.
If you lose now, you'll win eventually.
It's a cycle; a vicious one I might add.

But it ways many of us refuse to acknowledge, it makes us grow as a person.
It makes us stronger.
Failure and losses in life toughens one up.

Take this away with you today.

Your failure might wreck you today, and even for days.
But take comfort in knowing, that you're not the only one.
Many out there are going through the exact same thing, each in different circumstances. Some might be worse off.
Keep in mind, you are not alone.
Hold on.

put off that thought, when imaginations run wild.

2009-01-08T13:01:00.002+08:00

Damn those mosquitos.
I'm itching all over.

Get off me.
I know my blood is sweet.
Lol.

2009-01-06T22:11:00.002+08:00

Was reading the January 2009 issue of CLEO and they had an entire section on 'Happy New You'.
Going through the section put a lot of things into perspective for me.

One particular issue grabbed my attention.
I'll not go into details because it's an issue too personal to be discussed in public.
All I can say is, I probably already know what's for me in the near future.
Maybe not now, but of high chances in the future.
And knowing that, I'll smile a wider smile tonight.

In this new year, there is one thing I believe everyone should indulge in.
Put aside one day each month for "Spend-time-with-myself Day".
Do whatever you want to; sleep, read a book, go shopping and do spend time talking to yourself. And I do not mean it in a crazy way.
And believe me, despite some people calling me Lone Ranger for shopping alone, it truly does wonders to a person.
For starters, you learn to make your own decisions. That's a step towards independence isn't it?

climb that mountain, get over the fears.

2009-01-03T23:22:00.000+08:00

2008 didn't end too well for me.
In fact, it was pretty bad.

2009 will be good.
I'm going to make it go well for me.
At least for things within my reach.

Resolutions don't really work for anybody.
Things change and what you want changes throughout the year.

I'm keeping one thing in mind.
Make myself happy, then I'll make others happy.

happy days will stay.

2008-12-30T23:54:00.001+08:00

Someone told me,
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

I'm holding on to that promise.

2008-12-24T23:58:00.001+08:00

Disappointments.
I'm probably the best person you could be talking to right this moment.
When a blow is thrown at me one after another, at one point I crumble.
And that point is now.
It's all a little too much to handle.

What I'm saying might all not make sense, but I'm typing all this while tears are flowing and my mind and emotions are in a whirlwind.
My hands are shaking while typing if you just need more proof.

I could kill myself.
I'm serious.
But religiously, it's a fucking big sin.
And at the same time, I know I'm smarter than that.

This time no one can help me.
I've got to work things out on my own.
I just hope it'll all turn out good.
At least let me stay sane.

Let's hope I do the right things.

dear god, don't kill my spirit. please.

2008-12-17T23:51:00.000+08:00

I answered my best.
I hope it was good enough.
Now, I'll wait.

Leaving it all to fate.

taking one day at a time.

2008-12-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

My bestfriend's not feeling too well.
And I miss her.
I want to meet her soon, so we can get back to doing what we do best. =)

I miss someone else.
Let's keep that a little secret.

I'm stuck in a confused zone.
Neither left nor right.

Imagine this.

You tape your favorite movie, to watch it time and again.
What's the use of taping, if you can't forward and rewind it to your favorite scenes.
They tell you to just use the forward and rewind buttons.
And they casually accuse you of being stupid.
But the problem is, each time you rewind it goes back too far; and each time you forward it stops much further ahead.
Bottom line: Never where you want it to be.

That's how I feel.

a little patience, a little understanding.

2008-12-07T00:18:00.001+08:00

You said one thing, and did another.
This time, I've been stabbed right in the front.

I'm not even upset; just really angry.

blatant actions that hurt deep down.

2008-12-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

Quarantine was unbelievable.
Scenes were really gore; and definitely numerous heart-thumping moments.

Screams catapulted from my throat.
And it wasn't helpful that a cute ang moh was sitting right beside me.
It was rather embarrassing.
After awhile I couldn't be bothered; he himself got jumpy towards the end.

The movie left me with unanswered questions.
A good yet crazy way to start my holidays.

Talking about holidays, my last paper was (fill in the blank).
Honestly, I don't wish to talk about it.
I'm hoping for the best.

I truly wish those words are for real.
And that it came right from the bottom of your heart.

pick the broken pieces; we'll fix it back together.

2008-12-04T23:00:00.002+08:00

In exactly 12 hours, marks the end of a semester.

That just spells out H-O-L-I-D-A-Y.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Just 12 more hours.

Stressed: No
Worried: Yes

i'll have a good night. tomorrow will be splendid.

2008-12-04T02:04:00.000+08:00

A little confused.
Nothing is obvious.
One step at a time.

I'll be good.

slow it all down.

2008-11-19T02:23:00.000+08:00

Exams are a pain.
They make u go nights without sleep.
And when you do, you dream of the exam halls.
I'll eventually turn crazy.

leave if u must. i've run out of goodbyes in a lifetime.

2008-11-12T01:13:00.000+08:00

Happy days are here to stay.
It'll be a fun-packed, exciting week in the midst of all the mugging.

Simple gestures to make one smile.
The simplicity of it all.

close your eyes; count to ten.

2008-11-10T02:13:00.002+08:00

I feel a little lost, without the usual talks.

when nights go quiet.

2008-11-09T00:45:00.000+08:00

~~It doesn't help.~~
~~It doesn't help at all.~~
~~When I thought I meant more.~~

~~i don't really care anymore.~~

I apologize.

2008-11-07T01:03:00.000+08:00

Things are coming to an end.
It's been a fast-paced one semester.
Minutes seems likes seconds.

I still feel new to the place.
Probably I need more time.

I'm looking forward to the holidays.
For now, let's brave through the exam tide.

On another note (although this comes in a day late), congrats to Obama for the much deserved win.
And I say, "It's about time for a change".

i'll get by. eventually.

2008-11-03T21:18:00.001+08:00

I'd give anything to hear those words again.
But this time, not virtually.

Thank you for the smiles.

The week started on a good note.
I hope it'll end well too.

compliments do us good.

2008-10-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

Nights in Rodanthe.

In a day.
In an hour.
Within a couple of minutes.
Within a couple of seconds.
All could be lost.

The activities you plan to do.
The things you want to say.
The future you see.
The person you yearn to be with.

All taken away from you.

What's left is the history that was once shared.
Memories strong enough to keep you alive for a lifetime.

if only falling in love was as easy as losing it.

2008-10-27T16:04:00.001+08:00

Never felt such anger til' today.
I could have exploded.

But respect was first on agenda.
All I could do was go into the toilet, look into the mirror and calm myself down.

when anger arises, think of the consequences.

2008-10-27T01:19:00.000+08:00

A first attempt at a 5km run.
I managed a 3.5km.
And honestly, if not for my sis I would have ran at least 4km.
But still, it's an achievement.
I'm looking to complete a 5km soon.

And I realize, running out in the open is so much more interesting.
The endless surprises that come along with it.

I'm exhausted.
Been up for 18 hours.

time doesn't wait.

2008-10-25T23:59:00.001+08:00

Questions I hope to avoid.

People I hope to avoid.

Situations I want to avoid.

And this time, I feel I should walk out.

what don't kill you, only makes you stronger.

2008-10-21T23:16:00.000+08:00

A call at half past ten.
You definitely put me to smiles.

You wanted to see me.
I'm sorry.
It just wasn't of the right time.
We'll have the chance.
But, you can't do this to me.

Goodnight to you.

still stuck in a sphere i thought i was out of.

2008-10-21T01:53:00.000+08:00

I miss my BESTIE.
I miss Sarah Foo.
I miss Dayana Bohan. You have got to start recovering girl!
I miss Udhayashima.
I miss my boys. All of them.
I miss my cousin.

I miss the old days.
I miss my past.

And deep down, I miss you.
Damn, I have got to stop thinking of you.

honestly, some memories are best stored away.

2008-10-18T19:29:00.000+08:00

A friend asked, "Can someone know you better than you do?"

I was stumped.
It got me thinking.

And here's my answer.

No one knows you better than you do.
Only you know yourself best.
A bestfriend/goodfriend/closefriend/boyfriend/girlfriend can only know you VERY well.
And if you think someone else knows you better than you do, that's just because you haven't asked yourself enough questions to arrive at the answer.

This is my stand.
Feel free to disagree.
It's a world of free thoughts.

your life, control it.

2008-10-16T22:00:00.000+08:00

I'm taking a breather.

When days pass by too fast, I take the bus journeys back home from school for ME time.
Reflection.
Imaginations take over, and sometimes tears trickle.
Questions pondered, some never answered.
It's all part of the process.

I feel sane, amidst the insane everyday life.

take time to be alone.

2008-10-15T23:17:00.001+08:00

And I learned things the hard way.
And I'm in a good position.
And that's Enlightenment.

I'll be back soon enough for proper updates.

don't take the wrong turn.

2008-10-14T02:17:00.001+08:00

It's 2.17 am.
I want sleep. I want sleep. I want sleep.

Assignments are a pain in the arse.

and they say the future is in your hands.

2008-10-09T23:27:00.002+08:00

An evening with the Bestie.
I wish we had more time, but I'm appreciating what I'm given.

Closing the Ring.
Such reminiscence of The Notebook.
Whoever said it's boring and draggy is seriously disturbed.
OK.
Fine, just don't bring along any guys to watch the movie.
It's not the type of movie they'll appreciate.
Update: Unless they're fans of Mischa Barton and wishes to see her boobs.
Anyway it's NC16; I just don't understand how there can be nudity.

promises to be kept eternally, unless freed from it.

2008-10-08T23:41:00.000+08:00

I'm holding on.
The weekend is near.
Which doesn't make much of a difference because of the workload in hand.
But still, it's the weekends.

Definitely sleep-deprived.

because there's a reason why i'm holding on to this, and letting go of others.

2008-10-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

It's a tiring Monday.

My mind is drained out.
But my body wants to stay awake.

No, I need to sleep.
Goodnight world.

Fizah is dead.

2008-10-04T01:27:00.000+08:00

Blow the wind in my direction.
I'll let it lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

Better pleasures.
Better happiness.
Better me.

2008-10-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

When your messages come in at 3 in the morning, I wonder why.
Couldn't you just leave it for the next day?
I went back to sleep smiling.

You hurt me once.
You'll hurt me twice.
I think you need to walk out of my life.

2008-10-01T01:03:00.001+08:00

I'm all for the festive season.
So I'm going to enjoy to the fullest despite the tremendous amount of work I have in hand.

I was given a little peek into my future when my sis spilled a little interesting story that happened when I was much younger.
My aunt was told by a fortune-teller (are you serious????), that I would not stay in Singapore; that I would go very far.
I'm not into this entire fortune-telling crap, but upon hearing these words I stopped whatever I was doing for a moment and pondered.
Imaginations went wild.
Fear crept in and excitement won me over.

I believe I'll go places.
There's more in life for me that what I already possess.
Life is about to begin.

2008-09-28T00:32:00.000+08:00

A sense of loss.
A new familiarity that I had to let slip off my fingers.

For assurance, I turn to those I hold so dearly.
Maybe in the near future, my dear.
Maybe.

And they say, what's yours will eventually be yours.
Who's to cast off the thought when there's so much truth to it?

Mamma Mia!
Girls' night out.
Sing-a-long music.
Usual dosage of ice-cream.
Ridiculous photos.
Little surprises.
Definitely high on happy times.

These are the people I turn to for assurance.

2008-09-27T17:43:00.001+08:00

Thanks for making me feel special.
Even if just for awhile.

=)

Memories that will take me through life.

Like you said, yes we will.

2008-09-21T00:54:00.011+08:00

Lots have happened within a few short days.

If you're willing to listen, then stay on and read.

When I'm out there giving my 200% while others are extending only half of their arm, suddenly I step back and wonder if it's all worth the energy.
Why put myself out there when at the end of the day I might just be kicked around?
Mentally and emotionally, it hurts so bad.

What's jealousy when at the back of your mind you know such feelings just rips you apart piece by piece?
I smile at the happiness others find, and in time to come I know I'll find mine.
I'll be fine.
All the best my friend.

When all's going well, one misfortune crumbles it all.
I got such a shock my heart was racing for the finish line.
I wish there was something I could do to change the circumstances of things.
Take care my friend.

On to happier things, my dear friend Sarah Foo celebrated her 20th birthday on the 22nd September.
We were happy and silly girls.
I love happy times.

And and and, I saw that silly friend of mine from Jurong Bird Park.
I've missed him.
I remember looking forward to work because of him despite the pretty mundane job.
Days of good conversations, laughs and tears.

On a last note, I'm loving my new skin!

2008-09-18T00:03:00.000+08:00

Give me one good reason.
And I'll give my all.

I'm feeling all cosy tonight.
I need love songs or at least soothing songs to be on my replay right now.

And it's because, I'm Miss Independent.

2008-09-17T00:30:00.000+08:00

I'm loving the company tonight.
Average food.
Good catching up.
And definitely too much ice.

I know in years to come, we'll still be calling each other nicknames.

I'm looking forward to the next meet-up.
Take care my friend.

2008-09-08T20:47:00.000+08:00

The boys in my life have slowly disappeared and will continue to do just that.
Disappear into the life of National Service that is.

Most (apparently, it's ALL) of them, annoy the shit out of me.
But that's what makes me love them all the more.
I'll be missing them all bad.

Someone particular was telling me, "My only motivation is to go clubbing on the weekends."

That's boys for you.

2008-09-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

Some friends are honestly meant to go further than they are.
But because of current barriers, it's restricting what it probably could be.

Time and time again, we find ways of escaping the reality of things.
And with just one reminder, we're snapped back into life.

I'm constantly falling back into the dark pit hole.

2008-09-01T23:29:00.003+08:00

Shachin definitely had a grand 21st birthday celebration.
All dressed up, friends and family alike, we were ready to rock the party.
A night specially planned for the gathering of friends and family to celebrate the start of adulthood for a boy who probably refuse to acknowledge the reality of it.

I was thankful for the night.
Catching up with friends whom I've sorely missed.
Some new friends made.
And definitely lots of fun along the way.

The party ended with hugs and wishes.

The night continued with initial plans of clubbing, but due to a forgetful mind we forgo clubbing and went chilling instead.

At the end of it all, the night ended with an exhausted me.

The birthday boy.

We dressed up.

Friends I've missed and still love.
My favorite last pic at the party.

Ugly moments captured; which I've grown to love.

2008-08-22T12:13:00.000+08:00

When memories in life haunt you so bad, you take a thing called eraser and erase all of those fond memories.
For awhile at least.
The little things that remind you of those memories; all of which are thrown and deleted.
The things, the messages, the songs, the places - each holding individual meanings.
And when you finally regain yourself, you slowly and carefully reinstate all of that back into your life.
But at the same time, not hesitating for one moment because you see the power in your strength.

Leave memories to fade;
recollect when the time is right.

2008-08-07T23:48:00.001+08:00

Ever felt like you were thrown into a sinister game of Solitary left to die alone?
You dart your eyes around and feel that the walls are closing in on you.

An important presentation.
Your legs shaky and your palms all wet.
Forced to stand in front of an audience alone; suddenly they all turn into hyenas waiting to devour their prey.

The final examinations.
The mind went blank.
All information processed the night before seems to vanish into thin air.
At that moment, silence turned into mocking laughter; both of teachers and students.

Tossing in bed, time seem to stand still.
Disturbed by recurring problems, insomnia seems to be your bestfriend.
Imagination run wild; all that's imagined keeps growing in size and you feel yourself shrinking.

Morning rush hour.
The crowd walking in a way as though they've been programmed to do so, no one person stop to appreciate the morning breeze or pass a contagious smile.
Then you wonder, do people ever look out for one another in a world where stopping is not an option?

I've come to terms with what's real and what's not.
In many circumstances, we're left to survive on our own.
The storms that might come unexpectedly, we're forced to whip out our survival skills and weather the storm.
Right that moment, who's to question your deeds?
They have no right.
And in an instant, you become independent.

Look out for others, I do not deny this.
But look out for yourself first.
Learn to be selfish, because the truth is that everyone is; to some extent.

I'm not afraid of being alone.
What I'm afraid of is the way the mind plays in a state of loneliness.

2008-08-06T14:16:00.000+08:00

The music video that hit a raw nerve.

And I cried.
Again.

2008-08-06T13:35:00.001+08:00

Good days.
Chaotic days.
Good nights.
Chaotic nights.

Days fluctuate crazily.
I lose all control.

2008-07-31T02:45:00.001+08:00

It's 2.40am right now, and I don't believe I"m still here typing whatever that wishes to flow out from my tired fingers.

My eyes are battling to stay open and I feel as though I've emerged from a war.

Dead; shot right at my temple.

Today's a long day.

Tomorrow's no different.

It gets worse each day.

Multiplying itself in a way even an epidemic cannot be compared.

Don't push the blame.

Don't point fingers.

Honestly, we are all screwed up.

Just in different ways.

Give it some thoughts.

2008-07-29T23:25:00.001+08:00

I need to blog.
I want to blog.
I've got words swimming in my head, dying to be expressed.

But I'm overwhelmed with exhaustion.
So let's leave all of that for another day.

Good night world.

2008-07-27T00:39:00.003+08:00

Looking at the clock on my seemingly white wall, I'm giving you 15 secs to laugh at me.

GO.

STOP.

When the world laughs at me, I learn to laugh along.
At least, I wouldn't feel like such a dimwit.
Feigning ignorance or oblivion might come off a little to obvious; because honestly I'm not such a great actress.

This time I'm letting it pass.
I have a considerable amount of more important things to worry about right this moment.

Before I close my eyes tonight,

First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do.

2008-07-25T23:29:00.000+08:00

On days when I do not need to be pissed off, do not even try to do so.

I'm not the best person to be around with on my bad days.

Closefriends can certainly testify to that.

I almost lost myself again today.

I'm determined.

I'll fight this battle.

And I'll win.

I know I will.

2008-07-24T14:17:00.000+08:00

The unthinkable and unimaginable always happens.

All of a sudden you're forced to pull yourself away from the routine of daily life.

Once in awhile I'm asked questions I can't answer.

And questions I refuse to answer.

2008-07-19T17:08:00.001+08:00

Last night was probably one of the best nights I had in recent weeks.
Perfect company, great music and sinful ice-cream.
Thank you to someone special.
You know who you are.
A night that wasn't planned but turned out so perfect, it took my mind off things even if it was just for a few hours.

A lesson learned about life.
Beyond the riches, fame and successful career, there's one thing that all of us yearn for at the end of the day.
LOVE.
It doesn't really matter what it is.
Love for someone, a place, a hobby or even a book.
We all fall back on things we love.
Learn to love and it might just lead you to things you'd never imagine.

But, with reasons unknown to many, I've build my walls much higher this time.

2008-07-14T00:42:00.000+08:00

It's time.
And I believe it's now.

I know it's now.

There's proof to what I know.

2008-06-30T23:28:00.000+08:00

Spend 50mins with someone.

Anyone.

Ask questions that matter.

Trust me, in no time you'll learn so much, a new friendship is forged.

And discover that everyone needs some attention every once in awhile.

2008-06-21T21:00:00.000+08:00

For how long will one allow themselves to be put into a vicious life cycle?

The constant replaying of events that never should have happened in the first place.

Are humans born in such a manner?

We proclaim aloud that we would never allow ourselves to ever be caught in such a situation.

But when it does, all that's said seems to take a complete turn.

I pondered on why one allows themselves to get by each day living a life they wouldn't want to.

And at times, unknowingly.

Comfort?

Familiarity?

Fearful?

Or just refusing to face the truth?

I couldn't come to a conclusion.

I wish right this moment that I could shake these people out of their misery.

Giving them the empowerment to live a life they've yearned for so long.

Leaving behind the life routine which involves feelings of disappointment, resentment, denial and possible self-hatred.

Assuring them that it's okay to lead life alone for awhile; because the fruits bore at the end of the day might be the sweetest yet.

And lastly, to safeguard them from any possibilities of falling back into the the pit hole that they once dug.

Easier said than done.

Always true.

Many a times, the facade of life successfully blankets all sorrows.

To a point it becomes a guessing game.

You are left standing on the sidelines; the mind churning out thousands of probabilities.

At times, it's not within our concern.

Probably a situation not fully grasped.

And right at that point, all that could be done was to hope for the best.

Right this moment, I am.

Take yourself away from the torture.

Bring yourself to a safer place.

Build your life back.

To once when love wasn't a tragedy.

Yes, you.

My beloved one.

I pray for you each night.

2008-06-18T22:12:00.000+08:00

The weekends was torturous.

To the point of frustration.

But the start of this week made up for all that happpened.

The past 2 days have been good.
In fact, the past 2 days were great.

Time spent reminded me of the good old days.

Of which I've missed so much.

Your presence made it all better.

And like I told you, you know you always make me smile.

Yes, despite everything.

I'm almost back to myself.

2008-06-15T15:42:00.000+08:00

For many reasons, I would like to take my words back.

But for other particular reasons, it truly did happen.

I reflected on all that happened.

And I concluded some things.

2008-06-09T21:43:00.001+08:00

I thought of the worse.

And I believe it's this year.

2008-05-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

Graduation was chaotic.

It probably was the last time we would all see each other together.

I'm keeping the memories in my heart.

Don't play with my heart.

It's not that strong.

I don't wish to go back to where I once was.

Baby, don't give me the wrong signs.