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thanks

layout: detonatedlove♥
pictures: ohhspontaneityy
stocks: _excentric_

Just this morning when I thought I would never smile the same way again, you appeared right back.

It was from a distance. It was just for a brief moment. But DAMN! was I thankful for that moment.

Seeing you gave me back the energy I need, the strength I lacked, the smile I lost, the laughters I'm filled with and most importantly the happiness I feel each time I see you.

The flu bug is really killing me. I can't taste my food and I can't breathe properly. It's making me so frustrated. Aarrgghh!!

And I just found out that two of my favorite ladies are sick too!! Everyone's falling sick!! Do take care babes!! Take litres and litres of water and rest well!! I want to see the cheerful, crazy and healthy ladies I know soon!! Get well soon!!

Why does love favor for most but not me? Why can't you be mine? Tell me please.

I remember crying myself to sleep last Saturday night. I have no idea how it happened. I was so filled with emotions I started to tear. I felt so alone.

Moments like that I need someone special. I look around but find no one.

I need my strength back. I need my courage back. I need ME back.

I seem to drown into a world where losers exist. I hope to get out of that place soon.

I've been sick. Real sick. But being the stubborn me I refuse to go to the doc or even take medicine at home.

Yes! I am worn out. A lil' too worn. Could be the reason why I'm currently sick. Projects are one thing. But people giving me problem is another. I'm so frustrated with how things come rolling into my life. I seem to always be the one with least luck. The one who goes thru most pain and suffering.

I need to have patience. I need to have tolerance. I need to have will-power.

I love challenges. But you being my challenge is what I despise. You better make your presence valuable this time. Either that or I'm gonna crack. Trust me. I will. It happened before. Better regain yourself or you'll see the worse of me. The devil me you wouldn't want to experience.

I dreamt about you for the first time. It was a nice dream. But I have no idea what it means. I need some answers please.

I haven't seen you for days. And when I say days I mean veri long days. I miss how I get to see you each day. Now it's like you disappeared from the face of the Earth. Don't make me suffer. Please return.

Cause' just seeing you puts a smile on my face. And I need to smile again. Badly.

Stars

A little girl cried at her bedroom window,
After she lost her favorite doll.
She looked up to the beautiful sky
And for the first time,
She saw what she was taught in school.
That stars lit up the dark silent night.

Ten years later,
She came back home angry.
Slamming the bedroom door in her mom's face,
Who refused to buy the Levi's skirt for her.
The same night she looked out of her bedroom window,
Her angerness drowned away with the presence of the stars.

Today she lay in bed tired,
Her mind caught up in the issues of life.
She feels like screaming,
She feels like crying.
But knowing what to do,
She cracked a smile the moment she saw the stars at night.

Beverly, here you go. I don't know whether the poem is well done. Cause' I did it when I was pretty low in morale. Sorry bout' it. But do comment on it.

My feelings can be read from the poem above.

Read someone's blog. I wish my love life does happen that way. So unpredictable. So sweet. So romantic. So fairytale like.

I'll just keep dreaming and wishing.


love all of you darlings!! thanks for being part of my life!!

Yesterday might have start a lil' bad. But the moment I saw Geok and Xiaolin I suddenly became so alive.

"A Lot Like Love" was superbly wonderful and romantic. Ok! Maybe because my boyfriend (or is it husband huh Geok?) is in the movie. So whatever movie he's in I love it!! Haha!! But seriously it was more than what I expected from the movie. A movie definitely worth watching!!

I found out something real shocking. I'm really sorry to hear that dear. I didn't think things would end up that way. I didn't even think someone would have the courage and decency to actually do that . What on earth was going thru that person's mind at that moment in time?? I don't blame you for feeling what you feel. I personally would have felt the same way.

But now, you have two things to think about. Forgiving. The other thing I wouldn't want to mention but you should know what I'm talking about.

Forgiving might seem impossible. But you gotta know that in life we gotta learn to forgive and forget. You might not be able to forget but at least forgive. People do make mistakes at times. Even I do. And I'm sure I've done some mistakes but you did forgive me didn't you?? Otherwise we wouldn't be where we are today. So do give it some thoughts dear.

Bout' the other thing, I really have no comments. You heard what I told you the other day. I don't know what to say anymore. Are you willing to take a risk? Are you mentally prepared for what might happen in the future? It all depends on you dear. Do think thru carefully. Whatever your decision is I'll always support you. Friends are always around to support you, and not to put you down. Bare that in mind. Call me anytime if you need to talk.

Right this moment, I'm sitting alone in my study room. Staring at computer screen, I wonder what really keeps me going each day. I said before that its good memories of the past. But is it all of that? But I don't always think of past memories. Now I'm questioning my own beliefs.

Hopefully one day, I'll figure out what really keeps me looking forward for the next day.

I might have been free of troubles yesterday.

But today I woke up with a sudden pang of sadness. This is just one of my bad days. Must be because I'm left alone at home today to face the four walls of my room.

Sometimes being alone is just depressing. It drains all your energy away with thoughts of life. Thoughts of life which you at times you just want to ignore cause' it brings so much pain.

The wonders of life. The wonders of love. Words that consist of just four alphabets but hold so much meaning.

You

You, the one I fell in love with.
You, the one I shared my dreams with.
You, the one who held my hands in a different way.
You, the one who told me words in your own way.

You, the one who broke my heart.
You, the one who shattered my dreams.
You, the one I wouldn't be holding anyomre.
You, the one I'll never hear from again.

You were what I ever had,
But you had to throw it all away.
And because of you,
I'm back to where I was before you.

Remember I said I have another personal favorite that I wrote a long time ago? So there you go.

Just remember one thing. Time might heal all wounds. But keep memories of the good times cause' that's what will keep you going in life.

And currently I'm still working on a poem titled "Stars". I'm having a lil' problem. So Beverly, do give me a lil' more time.

I'm out. I have more important things to do.

For once I felt like I'm free of troubles.

Maybe because my mind was too engrossed with the need to complete a project. Maybe because half the time I was laughing away with my group members that everything else slipped off my mind. Or maybe I chose to forget it all.

I learned that sometimes u got to learn to live life a lil' better.

Saw Hui commented on my hair. Said it's nice. I was so surprised by the compliment. Suddenly I love my hair so much.

Thanks dear for making me realize that I gotta learn to love myself a lil' more.

I realized changing of blogskins is FRUSTRATING!!!

Who am I kidding? How are feelings suppose to be controlled? What if I can't get him?

Only time will tell.

I did some soul-searching.

Why do I even bother expressing these feelings of mine when a big part of me is certain things will never ever go my way?

They say things happen when u least expect it.

I was waiting. Still waiting. In time to come, I'll still be waiting.

I wrote this poem a long time ago. One of my personal favorites.

I Hate

I hate the way you look me in the eyes,
Instead you're hurting my sight.
I hate the way you tell me words of passion,
To make me believe you're mine.
I hate the way you hold me tight,
Thinking you'll always be there for me.
But hating you never gonna help,
Cause' you'll always be in my heart.

I hate the way I love you more each day,
Though I'm sure you'll never be mine again.
I hate the way I try to forget you,
But memories haunt me each time I do.
I hate the way I wait for your call each night,
But no ring was heard from the telephone.
But hating myself's never gonna help,
Cause' I'm just hurting myself more.

Hating you is not true,
Hating me is not true,
I don't hate you and me,
Love is all I ever feel for you,
ALWAYS.


There's another personal favorite. But that's for another time and place.

Why fall in love when they say love hurts? Why even take the chance on love when you know that things might not go the way you want it to? Is that the nature of love? For one to feel the pain before finding the right one? Why can't the right one be found the first time?

Why does love exist? Why can't I just fly away to a place where love exist in a different way? Is there such a thing as "in a different way"?

My heart is almost at the peak of spilling over. It will overflow anytime. Why can't you just see it? It might just be left stranded on an island so far. A place so far I've given up on love.

I'll shall be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

Part of me is angry. Part of me is sad. Part of me is delighted. A current mixed feelings.

Today's project discussion didn't go that well. He came back. And insisted on doing the graph analysis of the surveys. I just didn't have the courage to voice my feelings. Isn't this suppose to be a GROUP project?? A big part of me is very very afraid that things will turn out into "words but no action" after what we as a group have encountered the last time.

Sometimes I think it's plainly my luck. You can boast as much as you want, but do show me the results. Then maybe I could place some trust in you. You need to show me I can trust you. Not the other way round. Do think bout' it.

Spotted him with a lady today. My heart didn't beat twice the norm. I'm not sure whether it's his lady. But you know what? I don't care. It might. It might not be. Furthermore, I've heard rumors. Time will tell the truth. I wish him all the best.

I really think I've gotten over him. But hey!, that doesn't change when I say "He's the greatest guy I've ever met." Then again, I feel that we've grown apart. It's like I don't know him anymore. It's like we were never friends. It's like we are pure strangers.

Having met the greatest guy, right now I'm waiting for the perfect guy to enter my life. And I hope it's you. Make a difference in my life. Please. I promise to make a difference in yours.

Saw you today. It totally brightened up my day. The next time I came back, you were gone. That's how it always works. I see you. You didn't see me. I come back. You dissappear. It breaks my heart.

I wish you can see what my heart feels. I don't fall just for anyone. And believe me, you are not anyone. You are you.

Strangers we are. And I hope friends we can be.

Desire

Class after class,
I attended each day.
I soon realized,
That all I wanted was to see you after school.

Looking past over my friend's shoulder,
I thought I saw you.
I looked away,
Knowing I was dissappointed once again.

Doing my work in my own little room,
Surrounded by silence of the night.
Staring at the paper in front of me,
Your name was filling up the empty spaces.

Late at night
Before falling asleep,
I prayed that I would dream of you.
Cause' the desire for you is killing me.
Killing me way too deep.

Poems keep going thru my mind. And I just had to put it down on paper.

I'm more than what I seem. Give me a chance and I'll prove you wrong. I need you badly. I want you badly. I'm willing to wait but that's simply agonizing. It's hurting me. Talk to me. Get to know me. Smile to me. At least I know, you know, I exist.

Guys. Sure. They are all around. But why are you the only one I'm taking a second look at? Why are you the only guy having my attention. I've not felt this way in a long time. Please don't make this feeling just fade away. I've had enough of "getting over" someone. Please make this time work. Make it work all the way till it gives a whole new meaning to the word..."LOVE"

So Near

I looked around,
Each time trying to catch just a glimpse of you.
But somehow,
You're just too far or just never there.

I got lucky,
And found you somewhere.
My heart skipped a beat,
And I felt like only you and me were there.

I sat there,
Gazing you from afar.
Our eyes met.
And oh...Did I feel the connection.

I got up,
Wanting to say a "Hi" to you.
The nearer I got,
My knees turned weak and I walked away.

That other day,
I caught you smiling.
It was the sweetest,
You simply melted my heart away.

I can't stop smiling,
Each time I see you.
But a piece of my heart shatters,
Knowing how near you are to me.
But so out of reach.

I was super shagged yesterday to go online. So here's a recap of what happened yesterday.

12 June 2005

Had to wake up super early to get everything ready. Spent half the morning giving the house a clean together with my mom. Had to rush to J8 then Prime to get some essentials.

It was only at 3pm that I really had the time to get ready before the big start-off. People started streaming in at about 4.30pm. Mia & Xue were the first one to arrive. And was I glad to see them!

Mia then asked if she could use my com as she needed to upload something. I said "Sure!". When everything was done, then I took a look at what was it that she needed to upload. She was playing Canon in D song on her keyboard. She replayed the clip & I realized that it contained her burfdae wishes for ME!! I actually missed the first part of the clip. I was so surprised!! Wasn't it sweet of her?? Thanks a zillion Mia darling!! You're the best!!

It was about 4pm when my mom asked me to go back home to get something. Just when I was opening the door, I heard something and turned my head towards the stairs and saw someone. But that someone quickly went back down. I was a lil' scared but continued going into my house. After taking what my mom asked me to, I was just about to go down when Geok & Sarah appeared at the stairs with a Winnie the Pooh balloon. Once again I was taken aback. They sure present me with lots of surprises. Hee!!

Xiaolin later arrived. I was so touched she rushed down from her dance practice to come to my bbq then rush off again later for another practice. Thanks alot dear!!

Ally & Zhen then came a lil' later. They presented me with lots of pressie which were from Mia, Xue and both of them. It was a handbag, filled with undies, belts & earrings!! And also a bright orange bikini!! I was so overwhelmed!! Thanks alot my ladies!! Love you babes to bits!! Can't live w/o u gals!!

Then Qi & Bei came. They bought a bouquet of flowers for me. [It's the first time I received flowers]. And also a perfume from Body Shop. The pressie was from Adez, Huiling and both of them. Thanks alot!! I may not see you gals that often anymore but you gals are always on my mind!! Miss talking and laughing with you gals!!

Adez was the last one to arrive cause' she had something on. But glad that she could make it. Spent the whole night talking away.

My relatives had all arrived by then. And the cake was already cut.

Well, I'm a lil' dissappointed that the rest of my friends couldn't make it, but still I had an enjoyable night.

I would like to thank everyone who made the night possible. Firstly my family members who planned it and also ALL my lovely friends.

~Mia, Ally, Xue, Zhen~
You babes know we are THE BOMB!!

~Geok, Xiaolin, Sarah~
You gals are always surprising me!!

~Adez, Qi, Bei~
I miss talking to you guys!!!

But one thing for sure, I wish I could have someone special to talk the night thru. Sometimes I just feel so alone. I feel trapped in a world of loneliness and sadness.

I'm gonna put all things aside for a day. Cause' it's MOI day. I'm not gonna let any worries spoil my day. I'm feeling cheery inside. So this is for you, Cassandra.


Life

The clouds up above always seem so clear,
The love in me is even crystal clear.
I look around and see the wonders of life,
And realized that I'm blessed to be alive.

Sadness creeps into everyone's heart,
But soon joy will rip it apart.
No escape from the horrors of pain,
But it will be gone with the presence of rain.

Treat yourself well by pampering yourself,
But don't forget those who put you before themselves.
The world revolves in a one way street,
But you will find yourself with all the love you need.


Firstly, I want to thank Geok and Xiaolin for spending my special day with me. It might have been short but still it's veri memorable. Been a long time haven't it? Miss talking to Xiaolin especially. And what did I hear bout sperms?? Haha!! *winks* But the presence of Sarah is missed. She always seem to be "unavailable". But hey gal!, dun worry, you're always in our hearts. So thanks again to you babes!!

Lastly, want to thank all those who send burfdae wishes to me. I'm simply touched. Each message puts a smile on my face. All my troubles were washed away for that moment. Might sound a lil' cliche but it's true. I mean every word I say. Thanks again. I LOVE EVERYONE OF YOU!!

I go through each day like everybody would,
But you keep lingering around like a shadow of mine.

I try to stand on my own two feet,
But you pull me down each time I do.

I face the world with all my strength,
But at times you just leave me in tears.

I try to make myself a happier person,
But you always seem to make it a chore.

So, I just try to put at the back of my head,
But you keep coming back and haunting me.


I'm gona leave this poem untitled. Personally I think each person will have their own connection with this poem. I might be referring to one thing. But the next person might refer to another. I'm leaving it to your own interpretation. Be free to have your personal title for this poem.

In the next few days, I'll be writing poems titled "Desire" and "Stars". Usually, I would write the poem first before actually having a title for it. But this time I'm set on writing poems bout these topics. Don't ask me why. I have my reasons.

Just let me gaze you from afar. You'll make me the happiest lady. You make me fall hard each time I see you.

I'm been feeling frustrated these few days. I don't know why. Then again, maybe I know why.

It wasn't that big a problem. Why get over-agitated over small things? Alteration can easily be done. We learn from mistakes. Things can't always be perfect. Nothing is perfect. Well, maybe some things can. But most can't.

Geok saw through me. She was right. I was a lil' down. Things hasn't been smooth the past week. It's killing me. And thank god I let it out. I felt so much better.

The pressure I'm receiving is way too intense. Right this mo, I wish I had someone special to hold and stay in his arms all through the night. I need comfort so badly.

ICAs are all over. For this term I mean. And holidays are on its way.

I was a lil' dissappointed with my performance for Oral Comm. speech today. Ms Kan is right. I lacked the energy. Could be due to the lack of practice. Or that other factors are affecting me. Emotionally unstable could be one. I've been feeling so down lately things are taking an effect in how I perform. But like I said, I won't strive for perfection. Instead I aim for improvement.

I, Fizah, make a vow to improve on the next Oral Comm. ICA. And to put all things aside for a brief mo so that I can give my best in what I'm doing.

Working towards my goal is what I promise myself.

My birthday is just two days away. But somehow this year I don't feel the excitement. I'm turning 17 yet I still feel I'm a lil' girl at heart who constantly needs tender loving care. I need attention. I'm not ready to be let alone.

Tell me that you care and I'll believe you.

Enough

Does life ever seem to come down on you hard?
Does it seem to drain all your strength away?

Do you feel like the whole world is against you?
Do you feel that everyone is right, except you?

I scream each time I'm feeling down,
But no one seem to hear my cries for help.

Everyone else seem to love every bit of life,
But why am I the only one who has to suffer?

Enough of what I'm going through,
I want to escape, be free, be my own!!

My heart says one thing. But my face shows another.

I'm tired of how I constantly have to keep up with time. I'm out of breath.

Let me breath again and smell the scent of peace I once enjoyed.

Everything seems fine today,
Except one thing that lacked.

The presence of you to look at,
That saddened me inside.

Though I gave a smile each time,
Feelings inside were tortured.

They say "out of sight, out of mind",
Say what they want.

But one thing I believe,
"Out of sight, IN MY MIND"

The fragile emotions of a growing lady...

Sorrows Of A Changing Face

Looking back in time,
I was a beautiful infant
Sent to Earth by the great one up above.

Learning to walk was a tragedy I had to face,
Falling itself was a pain I had to endure.

And so those were the sorrows of the childhood days.

Looking back not long ago,
I was a growing child
Trying to understand why the world is round.

I questioned each time I was confused,
They told me I was noisy, so I just kept mum.

And those were the sorrows of yesterdays.

Looking back at where I am now,
I've grown into a graceful swan
Yet still trying to find the meaning of life.

Hit by the love crisis this current moment,
Wish I could spill it all out to the awaiting ocean.

And so I guess these are the sorrows of todays.


Thanks to Jack for giving me the idea to start writing this poem. Thanks again.

An idea sparked. I was looking around my study room when I saw the vase of flower. And the inspiration came along. Trust me, it takes inspiration to start anything. So here goes.


A Flower Left To Die

Like a flower left to die,
I feel like an outcast to the world.

Hidden in one corner,
You never know I was rotting away.

I wish that I could speak,
To express myself about how I feel.

But this petals of mine,
Never seem to open up.

To think you never gave me the chance,
You didn't look, talk or even shower me with love.

I was given the chance to live my own life,
Yet it feels as though I'm behind someone else's shadow.

I beg of you to take the pain & sufferin away,
Cause' I've had enough of living,
Like a flower left to die.

I need to express myself. In a poetic way I mean. It drives me crazy knowing that right this mo I neglect the ability to get down to serious poem writing.

I don't even have a clue what to write about. Too many things. Too lil' ideas. Yeah! You caught me! I'm short of ideas. Alright! Let me be more specific. I HAVE NO IDEAS AT ALL!! Doesn't that spell everything out?? It's freaking sickening!!

Damn! The mo when I need to let everything out my mind goes to sleep. How great!! Doubt I can get a peaceful sleep tonight. Yeah, though I know my mind is already asleep.

I seem to be crapping. So might as well get out of here.

Just wish me luck in trying to regain my long sleeping brain.

Ugh! I can't stand the pressure I'm going thru.

I had trouble sleeping after my morning prayers. Too many things were on my mind. But someone had to make it worst. Received a message to start on the project cause' he won't be in school next week. Cmon'! We appointed you as the leader hoping to see results. But you aren't even physically present to lead the group. Now I feel we are lagging behind. And to think we still have many other projects.

Damn! I wish I could just stop time for a mo!

If you tell me feelings are hard to control then why do I have to get over it? Aren't you suppose to go for what you believe in? So I suppose love is a complicated issue.

Here's a short poem I wrote during my spare time. Sorry that it seems a lil' off cause' I haven't been poem-"ing" for a long time.


Trapped

The world out there seems so harsh
At times I wish everything would stop.
Then again the world out there seems so beautiful
I wish it could make me whole.

Everyone seems so cold towards me
And I wish I could turn them into stone.
But I have friends who stuck with me thru all things
I wish there was more than "thank you" to appreciate them.

I'm lost in a world of loneliness
Like a soul dyin hoping to escape.
The feelings inside, Dying to flow out
And prove to you that love exists.

Praying to hold you one day
And maybe all the harshness and coldness would stop.
So please give me a chance
Cause' TRAPPED, that's what I feel.

When I first saw you, DAMN do you look fine.
I never felt anything and just walked on by.

The day I saw you strumming your "baby"
No doubt you played like a star.

As each day passes I see you more.
But never did I fathom that I would fall for you hard.

Trust me, It was never bout looks.
Neither was it bout being known.

You are special in your own quiet way
And that was what attracted ME to YOU.

It has never been bout looks.
It has never been bout intelligence.
It has never been bout "at first sight".
It has never been bout first impressions.

It's the same situation this time. There is just something bout the person that just leaves me wanting for more.

It has always been bout gettin to know the person. But the person doesn't even know me.
It has always been bout personality. But I haven't gotten the chance to know the person.
It has always been bout chemistry. But I haven't even talk to the person.

Each night before I fall asleep, it always leaves me wondering if this is just a passing phase. But I would lyk to look forward for more. I rarely feel this way & feeling this gets me excited.

I'm confused. Someone please help me....

ICAs are almost over. And the holidays are coming.

And again I feel that time is moving way too fast. At times I feel that I can't even catch my breath. Lyk they say, "Move with time or be left behind". Sometimes I'd rather be left behind.

Had a great time talking to Geok. I realize that we always seem to have lots to say when we meet. From bullshit to serious topics.

Yup! I realize that certain guys don't know when to be serious & when to have fun. It might be their nature but they got to learn. It doesn't give someone security and the warmth needed.

I totally let it out to Geok. She told me she kinda guessed it. Maybe she knows me too well. Alright, I feel better. But still it doesn't change how I feel - how a lil' frustrated it still does make me feel. And how the person is so near yet so far. Aarrggh!! I wish I could just walk up to that person and introduce myself. Trust me, I'll never built up that courage. For now, ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

How to tell the difference between a crush and liking someone? Don't ask me. Only you have the answer to that question. Cause' only you know yourself best.

I do things my way.
So don't stop me.

Don't be afraid to make a wrong move.
Because life has a funny way of making all things wrong seem right.

Memories don't do us much good.
It becomes of a burden as we age.



ALTHEA
AMELIA
ANNICE
CHRISTINA
DAYANA
*GEOK LENG*
HERDA
JASON TOH
JOSHUA
SARAH
SHIKIN
SHIMA
SULINAH
XUELI