Life's Pleasures

No doubt I've numbed this heart of mine to a thing called love. But certainly not those of anger and frustration.

I've pretty much kept this for a long time. It's now the best time to release those true feelings of mine.

I keep thinking each time that I'm just being paranoid.
Maybe because I've been been stabbed at the back before.
That lil' bad memory never gets erased.

But somehow the actions and words get more obvious.
And I can't help but notice.
The anger.
The frustration.
The hurt.
These feelings flowed without resistance.
And now I feel like the outcast.

I have no idea what I have done wrong.
Well, I don't even think I did anything wrong.
So there's no point for me to even ask.

What's with the look you give me?
Don't think I don't notice.
Cause' I do.
My eyes are able to cover a pretty large space around me for your info.
Stop giving me the look.
Already the world is constantly looking at this lady who is yet to find her place on Earth.
I don't need another person who does that for a reason I've yet to find out.
Or maybe because I'm looking gorgeous each day?
That I wouldn't mind.
Maybe a compliment would put my mind at ease.
But nah, I doubt that's the ultimate reason.

Then comes the questions.
The questions you asked are not because of a topic we were talking.
Instead....come to think of it I don't even know why.
You ask out of the blue.
And when you've got the answer you go silent.
What's with that?
Actually I know what you're trying to do.
You're here to judge me aren't you?
Save yourself now.
That lil' trick doesn't work on me anymore.
I've gone thru the whole "Ask then Judge" phase.

Don't judge me.
So what if I dress this way? Or that way?
So what if I do this? Or that?
It's my life.
I'm me.
No one other person can reproduce this personality of mine.
Everyone's different.
That's if you don't know.

Talking bout everyone, so what if I hang out with everyone else but you.
I don't owe you all of my time you know.
I've got other friends too.
You're not the only one.
And yes, I feel more comfortable with that someone else.
Don't start giving me the look when I talk or even say "hi" to that someone.
We bond better.
You and I don't have much in common if you would like to know.
But I try work around your personality.
So try to work around mine.
Furthermore it's not like I don't even hang out with you.
I still do, don't I?
I try to spend equal time with all my friends.
I try not to neglect anyone.
So please understand.
Or maybe I can't make you do so.
Cause' your hatred for me already exist.

I really don't know if I have more to say.
I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I don't even know how I feel right now.
Stabbed is a good word.

I'm tired of all this drama in life.

Honestly, I don't fucking give a damn.
There's better things for me to do. And you too.
I'm doing you a favor. And saving your time.

Get a life!!!!
Cause' I've got mine to live too.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

6:47 AM

Went Taman Rose to break my fast.

Cikgu, Syam, Sue, Ain, Aan, Amz and Hidayah were there.

Was havin my food when I looked up and saw the smiles on everyone's face. It brought back the memories of times I'll always miss.

We later headed to bazaar Geylang. But that's a story too often to be told. It's the same, year after year.

Later in the night, went down to town with Syam and Amz to just chill. Had to settle for Starbucks near Borders as everywhere else was packed. Was accompanied by Is and Lan(Syam's friends) later. The company and topic was great. A beautiful way to end the day. Furthermore, besides shopping, slacking is the next thing I do best.

I've got lots of things in mind. But I don't know how to express them. I might in time to come. So I'll leave that for another time and place.

Life's a drama. Act or fall into the pit.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

1:45 PM

Into the Blue was THRILLING!! Paul Walker's HOTT!! Jessica Alba? What more can I say. The person says it all. Gorgeous face, great bod and sweet personality.

Enough. Or I'll start drooling. Because of both that is.

Now I wonder if life's playing me for a fool. Everything's right infront of me, but never can I get any of it.

I saw you for the first time in a pretty long time today. My heart jumped. I got excited. My mind went hysterical. I've never felt like this. Ever.

Then I saw you for a second time. My heart jumped. Again. Is this fate? Is this pure coincidence? I need answers.

If all of this is meant to be, please let something happen. If not let the misery just stop.

Is this feeling for real? If not numb my heart, please. I don't wish to feel anything any further. Or maybe just kill me. Yup. That'll be easier.

Damn it Fizah! Running's not the answer. Face it.

Know what? I'll numb my heart on my own. Temporarily.

The mind's a great invention. But the heart rules THAT invention.

Friday, October 07, 2005

2:15 AM

Life has been the quietest the past 2days.

Anyways, Spanglish was an amazing movie. Definitely not a chick flick. Not suspense. Neither is it a horror. Alright already, it's a drama. With a tinge of romance and humor.

It's a pretty slow movie. So for those who can't stand sitting through a sleepy but great movie please give this one a miss. Yup. It's quite contradicting. "Sleepy but great movie". You decide for yourself. But honestly, I slept the first time I watched the movie.

I have the sudden urge to learn Spanish after watching the movie, and be corrected of a simple line like, "For your info, it's 'No, Thank You.'" Haha.

But guess what? Trust me I'll never get down to learning Spanish.

So let's just forget it.

Monday, October 03, 2005

3:12 PM

None would know how I feel deep down. You would need to bare my soul. Try. Maybe I'll bleed it out to you.

My eyes are dried up. No more tears to cry.

Someone just shoot me dead.

I thought one thing. And I thought another. Break me from this misery.

My mind's playing tricks with me. I've had enough.

Restart the story. Or end it right this moment.

I'm losing touch with those I keep close to my heart. Pull me closer. I need it badly. Lend me your listening ears. Lend me your shoulder to lean on. That's all I ask for.

The journey so long and treacherous. Hoping I'll be home safe and sound.

Fizah

I do things my way.
So don't stop me.

Don't be afraid to make a wrong move.
Because life has a funny way of making all things wrong seem right.

Memories don't do us much good.
It becomes of a burden as we age.

footprints

don't leave

ALTHEA
AMELIA
ANNICE
CHRISTINA
DAYANA
*GEOK LENG*
HERDA
JASON TOH
JOSHUA
SARAH
SHIKIN
SHIMA
SULINAH
XUELI